Friday, August 24, 2012

Check Your Rear

This post has been named and renamed about a dozen times. It was "Car Talk," "Butt Jokes," "Billboard on Wheels," and "I Hate Bumper Stickers." What I should have done was stop obsessing over a title and simply written it honestly. I should have called this sucker, "Asses and What They Put on the Asses of Their Cars." I don't want to be rude, but let's be honest, people put the stupidest stuff on their cars.

Let me back up a little. So, there I was, happily sitting in traffic listening to the cheesy music I do so enjoy. Okay, so I wasn't giddy, still I wasn't fighting mad either. Then I looked up and realized I was stuck behind what appeared to be someone's personal billboard. You know, a car covered in bumper stickers of all types of political crap. Yes, I said crap. Exit: My content demeanor. Enter: Annoyance.

There was something about abortion and an unborn baby. One asked me to honk if I love Jesus. There was something about Obama and another one about Bush. (I could guess what each said, but I didn't pay enough attention to get the particulars.) This fool shared that their student is on the honor roll at the elementary school they attend. (Is there seriously an honor roll in elementary school? Really?) It was one bumper sticker after another. In other words, a bunch of drivel.

So, here's my question: Why do people feel the need to decorate their automobiles with stickers telling all about their personal and political beliefs? I mean, does one actually think that I will vote for their chosen candidate, or join in their bash-fest, because they took 2 seconds to slap a sticker on their rear? If I had a huge personal decision to make regarding to keep or not keep a baby, would seeing a sticker on the Honda in front of me help me decide? Would I decide to stop eating meat thanks to someone's insistence, in the form of a sticker, that it's murder? The answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind. The answer is no. I would not make a decision based on what resides on someone's rear. Ever.

Another case? The back window on the car in front of me (a white PT Cruiser in case you are curious) had been painted or bedazzled (or whatever) to read: "In memory of my Daddy. 1930-2009." To said PT owner I say: Your daddy could care less what you write on your car about him. I totally understand wanting to remember and commemorate the life of a loved one. But, somehow, slapping something on my car would never enter my mind. Granted, this was no bumper sticker. It was perhaps more permanent. Regarding this one, I literally caught myself shaking my head about it, nearly an hour later. Never, ever, in a time of mourning would I say to myself, "Hey, Self, let's go get the car detailed and paint a memorial on the back window." Nope. 

For many years, I did sport some pretty Longhorn Horns. And my husband recently placed one from my daughter's new school on my rear. Really these don't affect me one way or the other. And, of course, if a sticker is required for you to get into the parking garage of your place of employment, well, then, duh. Stick away. It's the political ones that unnerve me. Oh, and the religious ones and the ones with a cartoon character urinating on something.

But, seriously, if I saw this sticker regarding bowel movements (please direct your attention to the classy number below), I swear to you, I'd go all Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes: "I'm older than you, and I've got more insurance." Even if I wasn't older and I was straight-up uninsured, I'd be running into that car and laughing the whole time. 

Seen any bumper stickers that really chapped your hide? Share away. And, by all means, if you are said person with your rear covered, do not take offense. If there's one thing I can admit, I am easily annoyed.


Rhonda Lee Lother said...

What annoys me is seeing Bammer stickers/magnets all over a blue car or Auburn stickers all over a crimson car. Drives. Me. Nuts.

Jen Mckenzie Frazier said...

Rhonda, nothing should annoy you. Didn't I see you sportin' the coolest license plate EVER? Huh???

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