Thursday, August 2, 2012

Shopping with Flare

I have a new online find: www.fredflare.com. It's my recently-discovered go-to for gifts for the person who has everything. You know, those peeps on your list who are impossible to shop for (you know who you are and you annoy me).  It's also the perfect spot to find gag gifts, stocking stuffers, and funnies for the over-the-hill type bash. Yes, Fred Flare has non-joke stuff on the site (think clothing, jewelry, shoes, and handbags). But, it's these unique items that are the real winners. Spoiler alert:  You're all getting bacon bandages during the holidays. Here are some top picks:

          1: Bacon Flavored Toothpicks, $5  
Pick the ham out of your toofies with a hog-flavored pick. Genius.

Bacon Flavored Toothpicks

2: Mustachifier Baby Pacifier, $12    
Beyond hilarious.

Mustachifier Baby PacifierMustachifier Baby Pacifier

3: Reuseable To-Go Lunch Cup, $9
http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-kitchen-and-bar/Reusable-To-Go-Lunch-Cup/
So clever, right? Love the dressing cup as a separate feature.

Reusable To Go Lunch CupReusable To Go Lunch Cup

4: Mini Boombox mp3 Player, $34
http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-cameras-electronics-and-music/Mini-Boombox-MP3-Speaker/ 
This is SO Say Anything to me.
Mini Boombox iPod Dock






5: Decorated bandages (everything from underwear and Pac man to cupcakes and bacon), $9.50
http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-toys-and-novelties/Cupcake-Bandages/
So much more fun than the boring flesh colored ones, right?

wacky bandageswacky bandagesWacky Bandageswacky bandages

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Question For Ya

I took my kids to the flight museum today. The minute we stepped foot in the place, my daughter started firing questions at me. How long does it take to get to the moon? Who flies the airplane when a pilot needs to go to the bathroom? When an astronaut goes to space, how do they go to the bathroom and not get it all over the place (Please catch this potty trend so I need not continue with it.)? How come flight attendant uniforms used to look cool and now they are so ugly (looking at the once-upon-a-time Halston dresses for Braniff)? What made the Wright brothers want to fly? Didn't they realize how dangerous that could be? Were they not smart? Why don't they use regular seat belts on airplanes, like the ones we have in the car? What does "lose cabin pressure" mean? How do airplanes stay in the air?



All the questions made my head spin (and made me want a shot of something stiff for my Diet Coke). I left the place realizing one thing: I need to get my smart on. You heard me. I don't have enough answers for my kid. Well, let's be honest, I am simply not smart enough to keep up with kids these days.



My girl is set to start first grade here in a few weeks. I've told her about wearing a uniform, getting to bed early, getting up early, and homework. I've talked about homework a lot. I mean, I've whipped that horse (It's dead.) and school hasn't even begun. I realized today, at the flight museum, that I don't talk of homework all the time to prepare her. I am doing it because I am scared sick. Folks, I fear that my daughter's homework, for first grade, will be an absolute kick in the britches for this college grad.



There are often times that I feel absolutely flummoxed by a kid, and not just mine. I'm talking any old, run-of-the-mill youngster. A friend's son once asked for help with his homework. "Sure," I said, with a spring in my step. It turned out to be long division and this old gal couldn't remember all the steps. Do you carry a one or add a zero or what? Think of some questions you could face. Or, better yet, let me give you a few.
Why is the sky blue?
Is a turtle a reptile or an amphibian?
Who was the 14th president?
How much does Earth weigh?
How many pairs of wings does a housefly have?
How many countries are in Asia? (This was a recent one thrown at me during the Olympics opening ceremonies.)

 you smarter than 5th grader


If you could easily answer each of these questions without even a thought, well then stop reading this because you are way too intelligent for this pup. But, if you stumbled or couldn't come up with an answer, then here's what I've come up with. I am no longer going to fear homework. Instead, I am working on my master plan: The Diversion (not to be confused with division).













When my kid, or any other off the street for that matter, throws a hardball question at me, I am going to change the subject. Fast. I'll make them forget they even asked. Here's the scene:

Kid: "Jen, why can I see the moon even though it's the middle of the day?"
Jen (uh, me): "Oh, my goodness, is that a dog with pink hair? Wait, I see Justin Beiber at that gas station. Oh, want a lollipop?"



The rules:
1. Always have candy on hand.
2. Always have a go-to distraction (it doesn't at all matter if is in no way real).
3. And, if all else fails, run. You heard me, run from the children. Seriously, run as if a rabid dog was at your heels. And when they ask why you ran, because they will most certainly ask, hand them a candy bar. It works every time.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Annie, Get Your Gun

So... after the horrific shooting in Aurora, Colorado and an almost riot here in Dallas, I have been thinking about guns lately. A lot. Normally, I'm no gun yielding gal. I wasn't raised with guns in the house and my dad was no hunter. We're a peaceful folk. Still, if I absolutely HAD to shoot someone, I'd shoot Caillou. You heard me. That cartoon kid has got to go.




My daughter is 6, going on 16, and still enjoys watching this little brat. My son, almost 2, also enjoys watching him. Hi voice is like the Telltale Heart beating under the floor board. Edgar Alan, get this annoyance out. Caillou might as well live in my house. And, I have not invited him. I am kicking him out.

Same goes with those annoying Wiggles. And Barney. And even Little Bill. I think cartoons were less annoying when I was growing up. I know Tom and Jerry beat the fool out of each other. And, the Road Runner was always, well, running, but at least they weren't whining. And constantly saying, "Mooommmmm-yyyy." C'mon, Caillou, grow a pair. I know it's not nice. But this mom has had enough.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Wear Your Friendship

Folks, the friendship bracelet is back. When I was growing up, in the 80s, I made and traded these suckers and wore them until they unraveled and fell off. These little pieces of wrist candy are in all the magazines from Vogue to People Style Watch. I've seen them in Macy's, Anthropologie, Target, and Walmart - and every store in between. Buy one for your BFF, or get one for yourself. The more you stack, the better. Here are a few of my favorites:

1.
The bfrend bracelet on Etsy. I swoon.
www.etsy.com/shop/doctorscloset


2.
Dallas designer Mary Gold's set of semi-precious stone bracelets (they come in a set). Not exactly true friendship bracelets, but oh-so-awesome.
http://www.marygolddesigns.com/store/viewprod.php?id=1166







3.
Ones with a nautical twist, from Kiel James Patrick.
kieljamespatrick.com/


4.
From Noir Jewelry.
http://noirjewelry.com/Bracelets/ShakaWrapAround/630#.UBBU-o743dk

Shaka Wrap AroundShaka Wrap AroundShaka Wrap Around

5. These dainty little Morse Code gems spell out words like mom, lucky, swell, and love. Or you can even get them personalized. From COATT. Love it.
http://coattonline.com/jewelry.html



6.
Statement friendship bracelet from Nordstrom.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/sr?keyword=friendship+bracelets&origin=keywordsearch&contextualcategoryid=60140579














7.
A custom version, on Etsy, that spells out your friendship. So cute. And, you can pick your cord color and font!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/64440535/custom-friendship-bracelets-set-of-3?ref=sr_gallery_40&ga_includes%5B%5D=tags&ga_search_query=bff+bracelets&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

Custom Friendship Bracelets -Set of 3 -Stamped Metal Wrap Bracelets on Cotton Cord

8.
Another Etsy find (let's hear it for local art!), these little beauties are not only fashionable, but they also carry meaning. On a leather cuff, mark a special spot with its longitude and latitude coordinates.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/92669650/two-2-custom-latitude-and-longitude?ref=sr_gallery_6&ga_includes%5B%5D=tags&ga_search_query=friendship+bracelets&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

Two (2) Custom Latitude and Longitude Leather Bracelets. Friendship Bracelets, Anniversary Gift, BFF, Wedding Gift


9.
The Ropes Main
http://theropesmaine.com/the-ropes




Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Tooth Truth

I don't have much time to write something smart, intelligent, and thought-provoking. Why? Not because I don't have it in me. I am SO thought-provoking. It's because the Tooth Fairy needs an ATM.



My girl lost her third tooth today. And, the Tooth Fairy can count exactly 53 cents in her possession. And that includes what I dug up from under the sofa cushions. All I can wonder is if we have become strangely dependent on the bank card. I rarely have cash anymore. If anyone was to rob me, they'd be S.O.L. Because I have 53 cents. And, I just passed those on. I let the Tooth Fairy borrow them.

So, this post is about getting some cash. Get a few bucks, folks. You never know when you might need $2, or a few more. In fact, I could borrow them right about now ...