Shopping with Flare

I have a new online find: www.fredflare.com. It's my recently-discovered go-to for gifts for the person who has everything. You know, those peeps on your list who are impossible to shop for (you know who you are and you annoy me).  It's also the perfect spot to find gag gifts, stocking stuffers, and funnies for the over-the-hill type bash. Yes, Fred Flare has non-joke stuff on the site (think clothing, jewelry, shoes, and handbags). But, it's these unique items that are the real winners. Spoiler alert:  You're all getting bacon bandages during the holidays. Here are some top picks:

          1: Bacon Flavored Toothpicks, $5  

http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-toys-and-novelties/Bacon-Flavored-Toothpicks/

Pick the ham out of your toofies with a hog-flavored pick. Genius.

2: Mustachifier Baby Pacifier, $12    

http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-kitchen-and-bar/Mustachifier-Baby-Pacifier/

Beyond hilarious.

3: Reuseable To-Go Lunch Cup, $9

http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-kitchen-and-bar/Reusable-To-Go-Lunch-Cup/

So clever, right? Love the dressing cup as a separate feature.

4: Mini Boombox mp3 Player, $34
http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-cameras-electronics-and-music/Mini-Boombox-MP3-Speaker/ 
This is SO Say Anything to me.







5: Decorated bandages (everything from underwear and Pac man to cupcakes and bacon), $9.50
http://www.fredflare.com/APARTMENT-toys-and-novelties/Cupcake-Bandages/
So much more fun than the boring flesh colored ones, right?

A Question For Ya

I took my kids to the flight museum today. The minute we stepped foot in the place, my daughter started firing questions at me. How long does it take to get to the moon? Who flies the airplane when a pilot needs to go to the bathroom? When an astronaut goes to space, how do they go to the bathroom and not get it all over the place (Please catch this potty trend so I need not continue with it.)? How come flight attendant uniforms used to look cool and now they are so ugly (looking at the once-upon-a-time Halston dresses for Braniff)? What made the Wright brothers want to fly? Didn't they realize how dangerous that could be? Were they not smart? Why don't they use regular seat belts on airplanes, like the ones we have in the car? What does "lose cabin pressure" mean? How do airplanes stay in the air?



All the questions made my head spin (and made me want a shot of something stiff for my Diet Coke). I left the place realizing one thing: I need to get my smart on. You heard me. I don't have enough answers for my kid. Well, let's be honest, I am simply not smart enough to keep up with kids these days.



My girl is set to start first grade here in a few weeks. I've told her about wearing a uniform, getting to bed early, getting up early, and homework. I've talked about homework a lot. I mean, I've whipped that horse (It's dead.) and school hasn't even begun. I realized today, at the flight museum, that I don't talk of homework all the time to prepare her. I am doing it because I am scared sick. Folks, I fear that my daughter's homework, for first grade, will be an absolute kick in the britches for this college grad.



There are often times that I feel absolutely flummoxed by a kid, and not just mine. I'm talking any old, run-of-the-mill youngster. A friend's son once asked for help with his homework. "Sure," I said, with a spring in my step. It turned out to be long division and this old gal couldn't remember all the steps. Do you carry a one or add a zero or what? Think of some questions you could face. Or, better yet, let me give you a few.
Why is the sky blue?
Is a turtle a reptile or an amphibian?
Who was the 14th president?
How much does Earth weigh?
How many pairs of wings does a housefly have?
How many countries are in Asia? (This was a recent one thrown at me during the Olympics opening ceremonies.)




If you could easily answer each of these questions without even a thought, well then stop reading this because you are way too intelligent for this pup. But, if you stumbled or couldn't come up with an answer, then here's what I've come up with. I am no longer going to fear homework. Instead, I am working on my master plan: The Diversion (not to be confused with division).













When my kid, or any other off the street for that matter, throws a hardball question at me, I am going to change the subject. Fast. I'll make them forget they even asked. Here's the scene:

Kid: "Jen, why can I see the moon even though it's the middle of the day?"
Jen (uh, me): "Oh, my goodness, is that a dog with pink hair? Wait, I see Justin Beiber at that gas station. Oh, want a lollipop?"



The rules:
1. Always have candy on hand.
2. Always have a go-to distraction (it doesn't at all matter if is in no way real).
3. And, if all else fails, run. You heard me, run from the children. Seriously, run as if a rabid dog was at your heels. And when they ask why you ran, because they will most certainly ask, hand them a candy bar. It works every time.

Annie, Get Your Gun

So... after the horrific shooting in Aurora, Colorado and an almost riot here in Dallas, I have been thinking about guns lately. A lot. Normally, I'm no gun yielding gal. I wasn't raised with guns in the house and my dad was no hunter. We're a peaceful folk. Still, if I absolutely HAD to shoot someone, I'd shoot Caillou. You heard me. That cartoon kid has got to go.




My daughter is 6, going on 16, and still enjoys watching this little brat. My son, almost 2, also enjoys watching him. Hi voice is like the Telltale Heart beating under the floor board. Edgar Alan, get this annoyance out. Caillou might as well live in my house. And, I have not invited him. I am kicking him out.

Same goes with those annoying Wiggles. And Barney. And even Little Bill. I think cartoons were less annoying when I was growing up. I know Tom and Jerry beat the fool out of each other. And, the Road Runner was always, well, running, but at least they weren't whining. And constantly saying, "Mooommmmm-yyyy." C'mon, Caillou, grow a pair. I know it's not nice. But this mom has had enough.

Wear Your Friendship

Folks, the friendship bracelet is back. When I was growing up, in the 80s, I made and traded these suckers and wore them until they unraveled and fell off. These little pieces of wrist candy are in all the magazines from Vogue to People Style Watch. I've seen them in Macy's, Anthropologie, Target, and Walmart - and every store in between. Buy one for your BFF, or get one for yourself. The more you stack, the better. Here are a few of my favorites:

1.
The bfrend bracelet on Etsy. I swoon.
www.etsy.com/shop/doctorscloset


2.
Dallas designer Mary Gold's set of semi-precious stone bracelets (they come in a set). Not exactly true friendship bracelets, but oh-so-awesome.
http://www.marygolddesigns.com/store/viewprod.php?id=1166







3.
Ones with a nautical twist, from Kiel James Patrick.
kieljamespatrick.com/


4.
From Noir Jewelry.
http://noirjewelry.com/Bracelets/ShakaWrapAround/630#.UBBU-o743dk



5. These dainty little Morse Code gems spell out words like mom, lucky, swell, and love. Or you can even get them personalized. From COATT. Love it.
http://coattonline.com/jewelry.html



6.
Statement friendship bracelet from Nordstrom.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/sr?keyword=friendship+bracelets&origin=keywordsearch&contextualcategoryid=60140579














7.
A custom version, on Etsy, that spells out your friendship. So cute. And, you can pick your cord color and font!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/64440535/custom-friendship-bracelets-set-of-3?ref=sr_gallery_40&ga_includes%5B%5D=tags&ga_search_query=bff+bracelets&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery



8.
Another Etsy find (let's hear it for local art!), these little beauties are not only fashionable, but they also carry meaning. On a leather cuff, mark a special spot with its longitude and latitude coordinates.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/92669650/two-2-custom-latitude-and-longitude?ref=sr_gallery_6&ga_includes%5B%5D=tags&ga_search_query=friendship+bracelets&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery




9.
The Ropes Main
http://theropesmaine.com/the-ropes

The Tooth Truth

I don't have much time to write something smart, intelligent, and thought-provoking. Why? Not because I don't have it in me. I am SO thought-provoking. It's because the Tooth Fairy needs an ATM.



My girl lost her third tooth today. And, the Tooth Fairy can count exactly 53 cents in her possession. And that includes what I dug up from under the sofa cushions. All I can wonder is if we have become strangely dependent on the bank card. I rarely have cash anymore. If anyone was to rob me, they'd be S.O.L. Because I have 53 cents. And, I just passed those on. I let the Tooth Fairy borrow them.

So, this post is about getting some cash. Get a few bucks, folks. You never know when you might need $2, or a few more. In fact, I could borrow them right about now ...

Monday Snooze

So, there's all this talk about The Bachelorette season finale last night (and when I say "all this talk" I mean on TMZ, Access Hollywood, and E!). It would seem that I would have a ton to say, since I usually do. But, sorry kids, I found it a bit of a bore. As always, I thought drippingly-sweet Emily had on great outfits and some fab accessories. Outside of that, Jef (with one F) is predictable, oh and in the closet. Yes, I still think he is a gay man. (And, someone call Morrissey. Jef (with one F) here stole his look. 20 years later.)

I did laugh, or more like guffaw, out loud, when I saw that Arie had taken his journal to North Carolina for Emily to read. Let me give you a tip: If you are on tv and the girl chooses someone else, hide your face, no matter how brokenhearted you are. Move on. Do not, I repeat, do not get on a plane, travel to her hometown, and leave your journal with her. And, for that matter, do guys really write in journals? I know that's very sexist of me. But, I've never written in a journal. If I did, though, I wouldn't be passing it to my ex.

In other thrilling news, Mariah Carey is joining the judges table of American Idol. She grosses me out and so does that show. (And, P.S., I hear she is no delight to work with so have fun with that, but, as seen below, she'll clearly be adding some class to Idol.)

Kelsey Grammer had another kid, a girl named Faith. Which, is ironic, since he has such a hard time remaining faithful. I bet you a dollar he'll be cheating on her pretty soon (Cheaters never prosper, folks). Michael Jackson's mom, who is the caretaker of his children, has been missing. They found her. At a spa. If I was married to Joe Jackson I don't think you'd find me at a spa. I think you'd find me at a bar.

What else is out there? Cybill Shepherd is engaged (most people probably don't even remember her); Kris and Bruce Jenner might be having marital issues (Is there anyone in Hollywood who isn't?); and Mel Gibson's step-mom wants him to pay for her divorce from Mel's father (I guess it's just easy to blame him for anything.). Go ahead and put your check in the mail for this humdinger of a post. Godspeed.

Hugs ...

I'm not sappy. Ever. But the shooting in Aurora, CO has me saying BIG prayers tonight. I am thankful. Thankful for every headache, stress attack, huge bill,  fever, broken air conditioning, and car wreck. At least I was able to have them. Tell the folks you love that you love them, folks. It's hard to imagine going to a movie, a 2 hour escape, and never returning. I can't imagine. Thankful. So thankful.

Embrace Your Inner Neon

As much as I hate to say this, summer ain't over yet, folks. I'm going to try my hardest to embrace what's left of it, however grueling and painful it might be (triple-digit temperatures ring a bell?).  With that, the fingers and toes are painted neon pink.




Normally, I'm an Essie Mademoiselle kind of gal, subtle and classic on the digits. But, I have decided that summer is meant to be fun and wild.

The Sinful Colors Summer collection

Don't waste a ton on a trendy nail color, like these neon beauties, especially since you'll only sport it temporarily. Check out these by SinfulColors. At $1.99 a pop, there's no reason not to. And, you don't have to visit Sephora or Ulta, pick them up at the grocery store or Walgreens. As for the dadgum heat, I can't do a thing about it. But, I can kick up your summer style a notch.

Check It Out: Dolan Geiman

I first discovered his work in Tennessee, when I was covering a story for Southern Living Magazine. I then caught up with him again in Alabama, where I lived for 10 years. When my husband I moved back to our hometown in Texas, I went and saw his work in Fort Worth and then again in Richardson. Am I a stalker? No. Well, not really. If I am, my husband is, too. His art covers our walls.

I'm no art aficionado, but I do know what I like. And one artist who consistently puts out creative and interesting works is Dolan Geiman. He's a super nice guy (only makes it easier because who wants to buy art from a jerk) who also happens to be beyond talented. And, I mean, beyond. Each piece he creates is a conversation piece - that's the best kind in my book.






So you need to check him out. And, even better, he's holding his eEtsy Christmas in July sale offering 25% off all paper prints, DG minis, select original mixed media, and select box print reproductions. Additional works are marked 50% off.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/dolangeiman?section_id=6566642

There's also a Pinterest contest for all you pinning addicts.

http://dolangeiman.com/blog/2012/07/christmas-in-july-pinterest-contest/

And, as an aside, I got my Uncommon Goods catalog today. Yep. He's in it. And, he's slated to be in Anthropologie soon (if not already). You've heard of that one, right? In other words, snag this stuff ASAP. He's great and your walls will love you for it.

The Loveliest Lip

Listen up all you ladies (or fellas who appreciate a shiny lip): there's a new beauty line that's changed my life. Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic (who, me?). But, I am pretty darn thrilled about it.

When I got the information about it, I sort of scoffed (rolled my eyes to be exact). It's all natural, which, to me usually means it smells like Patchouli and tastes like a mixture of dirt and grass. They even claim it's safe to eat. Ugh, annoying. Why would I want to eat my lip gloss? Fact is, you'll never see me buying lip gloss or any sort of makeup at Whole Foods or anyplace with the words "co-op" in the title. I buy some foods organic, mainly for the health of my family, but when it comes to makeup, oh, and diapers, I am no tree hugger. This natural product might have me reformed.

http://www.sephora.com/bite-beauty



Super-shiny and thick enough that one coat works without having to blot on a napkin (girls, you know what I mean), it's just the perfect consistency. And the 10 different colors are absolutely beautiful. I am ga-ga over the Beet and Raspberry hues. (Oh, Bite also does lipsticks, lip pencils, and even rouge, but it's the gloss I covet.) It's $20 a pop at Sephora. Try it. If you aren't sold, return it and write me a scalding note. I can take it. And, it's that good.

But, I've Got a Coupon

I am all about deals. About once a week, I buy a Groupon, Living Social or Plum District deal, or something from Zulily. I've always loved coupons, both grocery store and restaurants varieties. And, when The Gap or Anthropologie announces an extra 30% off sale, I'm on it. With that said, there are some things I just wouldn't, and I mean ever, use a discount service on.

Take, your eyesight, for example. What brings this on? Today's Groupon offer for eye surgery. I mean, really, do you want to trust the gift of sight on a deal offering a $1400 procedure down to $100? Sounds good, especially for this blind bat who dreams of getting Lasik surgery, but I'll pass.

Another one I'll pass on: a colonoscopy (catch that pun?). Really, I don't see me cashing in on any deal-of-the-day medical procedure. If the doctor needs new customers that badly, he probably isn't the one I want to trust. With my life. So, I'd say no to heart surgery, hysterectomy, vasectomy, cesarian section, gall bladder surgery, hip or knee replacement, brain surgery, chemotherapy, well, you see where I am going with this. And, under the "medical" category, that includes plastic surgery. Never, ever claim a deal on a facelift or boob job. I don't care how bad you want it or need it.

This has Groupon written all over it.

Oh, I've got more. I wouldn't buy a casket using a Groupon. Sure, it's just a box. But, it seems somewhat disrespectful. Or a funeral service. I can just imagine it: "For the low, low price of $99, regularly $9,000, you can get an all-inclusive funeral service, complete with streamers, carnations, and a take-home video." Wow.  Your loved one would be looking down from Heaven flipping you some kind of finger, and it wouldn't be a thumb's up.

Legal advice is another of the many things I'd skip getting a deal on. Lawyers charge a lot of money. Say you're getting divorced, it costs a small fortune to make this final. And rightly so. Other items under the headline "legal:" driver's license, passport, or a fishing or gun license. It's doesn't take a rocket scientist or college graduate (although I wouldn't cash in on a deal for a degree either) to figure this out.

I guess the bottom line is: If you think the deal is too good to be true, it is. Remember faithful and trusting bargain-seekers, you get what you pay for. And, a $79.99 boob job just ain't gonna be good.

Life's a Beach

Growing up, my family went to the beach every single summer. Once I was in high school, I went every July with my best girlfriends (girls, you better be reading).



Having just gotten back from vacation, I see so many differences between the way I used to do the beach, versus the way I handle it today. Drumroll, please. Here's my list of the top 9 differences (thanks to Dave Letterman, 10 seemed too predictable):

1. I never used SPF. Instead, it was oil, and foil. The more burnt the skin by the end of the day, the greater success. Now I lather that stuff on even if I am just headed to the grocery store.



2. A trip to Mexico from South Padre meant super cheap silver earrings and ceramics. Today, a trip to Mexico from the Texas beaches means you are kidnapped, sold into slavery, and you'll never see the Lone Star State (or anywhere else of desire) again. Forget across-the-border bargains. I'll find silver earrings at T. J. Maxx.
3. The beach once meant closing down the bars in town and sleeping until noon, when the sun was at its peak. Now, I get to bed early so I can hit the beach at sunrise to help my kids find shells and other treasures. Then, when the sun is blaring, I head inside to rest and read.
4. A teeeny bikini used to be all I needed. Now? A one-piece that covers as much as possible (all the way to the knees if possible), a Mrs. Roper-inspired cover-up,  and a huge hat.



5. I used to cover my hair in lemon juice to get the blond to go even blonder. Today, I pay for my natural highlights (shut up) and want to protect my investment. The hair, like the skin, is covered. And the lemon juice is saved for the water, that I drink ALL day to keep hydrated in fear of over-heating.
6. I used to get in the ocean and really enjoy jumping in the waves. The last thing I want to do is touch the ocean, unless it's with one or two toes. I've seen the news and know what a shark can do (Jaws, anyone?). No, but thanks.



7. Parasailing. Yes, I once strapped on a harness, with my best friend, and went flying in the air attached to a speeding boat. It was scary, but exciting and so fun. Now I am a mom and my kids need me alive. I don't see a parachute and a speeding boat in my future.



8. For so many years I would party all day and night, then go to bed (in the wee hours) with my makeup on and contacts in my eyes. Now, contacts out. Makeup washed off. Teeth brushed. Moisturizer and eye cream on. Seriously, I am not getting any younger and the beauty regimen just can't be skipped.
9. Then, I took a towel to the beach. That's probably about it. Now, I need a U-Haul to make it for the day. I need: diapers, swimming diapers, hats, towels, wipes, juice boxes, shovels, pails, snacks, sunscreen for the kids, chairs, a canopy to set up, sunscreen for me, bug spray, water, an extra change of clothes, a camera, a phone, and a book. And, that's just half of the list.














Now, your turn. Are your vacations different than they used to be?